I really get mad when people complain about how sexist comic books are. Editors Note: James means superhero comics, but since those are the only sorts of comics he officially acknowledges he refused to clarify himself.
Complain about the lack of good female characters if you want, but go ahead and make a list of all the good male characters and you'll realize its shorter than you think. Complain about all the damsels in distress, but that has more to do with lazy story telling and is a lot more widespread than comics.
By far, the biggest complaint is how busty women in comics are and how tight and skimpy their costumes are. First, no comic book character looks realistic. There has never been a human being that has the muscle definition of a Superman or a Batman. Both of those characters have pecks that would have made the Governor of California envious back in his bodybuilding days. This is probably due to the fact that comic book writers have never seen an in shape man naked, in person, in their lives. The lack of realism in the female characters can be explained for the same reason (seriously, would you fuck Alan Moore? I wouldn't even touch him with a ten foot pole). Complaining about the costumes of the female superheroes is just as silly. Last time I checked, most male superheroes weren't running around in baggy clothing. The only reason they don't show a little chest is that most supervillians aren't distracted by male chest (the same cannot be said of the female chest which is distracting when it isn't large and headed straight towards you). All I'm saying is, its hard to walk with an erection, can you imagine fighting with one?
I'm not saying that there is no sexism in comics, I'm just saying, point to the fact that there aren't a lot of female comic writers rather than superheroes who show a little boob.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And the award goes to...
David Letterman for being the biggest douchebag, ever.
Check out this top 9 list from one of the funniest people on the internet today.
Within the list are (ironically) 9 videos of interviews done by David Letterman. In each he basically treats the people he's interviewing like something gross his dog left on the living room carpet for him. He made me feel bad for Paris Hilton for Christ's sake. He made me feel bad for a shallow, useless, spoiled, amateur porn star.
"But James", you're saying in your head, "Dave is hilarious." And that's still true, people can be douchebags and funny all at the same time (ex. Dennis Leary, Lewis Black, Me (not implying I'm anywhere near as funny as the other three people listed, just couldn't think of anyone else to put here), etc.). And I know it is just this sort of edgy humor that makes him beloved by everyone who hates Jay Leno. I also understand that every person he interviewed had it coming. However, it is not as though Paris Hilton or Richard Simmons tied him down and started talking to him. The people who David Letterman employs actively went after these people to be on the show and the way Letterman treated them was just mean.
That being said, at several points, I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants, so what does that tell you about me?
Check out this top 9 list from one of the funniest people on the internet today.
Within the list are (ironically) 9 videos of interviews done by David Letterman. In each he basically treats the people he's interviewing like something gross his dog left on the living room carpet for him. He made me feel bad for Paris Hilton for Christ's sake. He made me feel bad for a shallow, useless, spoiled, amateur porn star.
"But James", you're saying in your head, "Dave is hilarious." And that's still true, people can be douchebags and funny all at the same time (ex. Dennis Leary, Lewis Black, Me (not implying I'm anywhere near as funny as the other three people listed, just couldn't think of anyone else to put here), etc.). And I know it is just this sort of edgy humor that makes him beloved by everyone who hates Jay Leno. I also understand that every person he interviewed had it coming. However, it is not as though Paris Hilton or Richard Simmons tied him down and started talking to him. The people who David Letterman employs actively went after these people to be on the show and the way Letterman treated them was just mean.
That being said, at several points, I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants, so what does that tell you about me?
As I see it
Editor's Note: The "As I see it" feature will be done whenever James sees a movie, either old or new, and feels a need to share it with others.
Further Editor's Note: I don't really have an editor, I've just always really wanted to put in an Editor's Note and I'm also partial to Italics.
Paul Blart- Mall Cop.
My fiancee had very little desire to see this movie, feeling that it would be stupid, but for some reason I just thought it looked like a good time. Turns out, I was right.
Since the commercials have been all over tv I'll refrain from describing the plot, as you can pretty much figure it out.
The movie starts out as basically one long insanely awkward scene after another. Really it gets to the point where you start to wonder why the main character doesn't just go ahead and kill himself. His ex-wife was an illegal immigrant who used him to become a citizen and left him with their offspring to raise. He lives with his mom. He works as a mall security guard. He has the misfortune of falling for a girl that is light years out of his lead. To top it all off, he gets drunk one night in front of said girl (played by the girl who Hiro fell in love with on the show Heroes, which means larged boned men must really find her attractive) and makes a bigger ass of himself than you could have thought possible. As if losing out on the hot real life girl wasn't bad enough, the dating site he'd signed up for has found no possible matches for him (if you cannot find someone on the internet willing to fuck you, it is time for some soul searching (Even Further Editor's Note: I'd delete that last part, but its true, so I don't feel bad)). At this point I was really praying for the terrorists to come in and kill everyone, just so I wouldn't have to live through another awkward moment. Then the movie kicked into gear.
The mall is taken over by robbers and Blart must combat them, which he does in a stylistic mix between Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Mr. Magoo, and John McClain. He bungles his way through most of it before turning into Mall-McGuyver to defeat the robbers. The thing I liked most about this movie is that it was a send up of movies like Die Hard without becoming too full of itself (like Hot Fuzz sort of did not only in tone but by the fact that its eighty hours long).
Overall, it was an enjoyable movie, though the beginning could have stood to be less awkward. I'm going to go ahead and give it the insanely arbitrary score of 72 out of 93 on the James Scale of AwesomeTM.
Further Editor's Note: I don't really have an editor, I've just always really wanted to put in an Editor's Note and I'm also partial to Italics.
Paul Blart- Mall Cop.
My fiancee had very little desire to see this movie, feeling that it would be stupid, but for some reason I just thought it looked like a good time. Turns out, I was right.
Since the commercials have been all over tv I'll refrain from describing the plot, as you can pretty much figure it out.
The movie starts out as basically one long insanely awkward scene after another. Really it gets to the point where you start to wonder why the main character doesn't just go ahead and kill himself. His ex-wife was an illegal immigrant who used him to become a citizen and left him with their offspring to raise. He lives with his mom. He works as a mall security guard. He has the misfortune of falling for a girl that is light years out of his lead. To top it all off, he gets drunk one night in front of said girl (played by the girl who Hiro fell in love with on the show Heroes, which means larged boned men must really find her attractive) and makes a bigger ass of himself than you could have thought possible. As if losing out on the hot real life girl wasn't bad enough, the dating site he'd signed up for has found no possible matches for him (if you cannot find someone on the internet willing to fuck you, it is time for some soul searching (Even Further Editor's Note: I'd delete that last part, but its true, so I don't feel bad)). At this point I was really praying for the terrorists to come in and kill everyone, just so I wouldn't have to live through another awkward moment. Then the movie kicked into gear.
The mall is taken over by robbers and Blart must combat them, which he does in a stylistic mix between Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Gadget, Mr. Magoo, and John McClain. He bungles his way through most of it before turning into Mall-McGuyver to defeat the robbers. The thing I liked most about this movie is that it was a send up of movies like Die Hard without becoming too full of itself (like Hot Fuzz sort of did not only in tone but by the fact that its eighty hours long).
Overall, it was an enjoyable movie, though the beginning could have stood to be less awkward. I'm going to go ahead and give it the insanely arbitrary score of 72 out of 93 on the James Scale of AwesomeTM.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm not the Doctor
It occurred to me today that I would be the worst person to give the power to time travel to. Hell, that's been true for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I wanted a time machine so that I could go back and save Davy Crockett at the Alamo and Jesus at Calgary (in that order too). For some reason, my young brain didn't see the issue with going back with machine guns to the past to show those Mexicans/Romans why they shouldn't have killed Coonskin Cap Jesus/Regular Jesus.
Even today, I promise you I would use time travel to my own advantage. If everyone wakes up one day and I'm rich, famous, and I own the Dallas Cowboys, I've invented a time machine.
The problem with a time machine, or really just fucking with time in general is how selfish it is. Let's say you'd like to correct a mistake you've made in the past, like when you threw up on yourself while trying to ask the girl you liked to prom. I mean, sure, it would be nice for you to get a second go around for that, but what about her? Maybe she had a great time with the person she went with that was better able to keep down their stomach contents. What about the guy who went with her? Shouldn't he be allowed a chance too? What about the girl you went with instead, the shy one who turned out to be into punching you while taking your virginity? What about all the women who have had a good laugh at your expense when you flinched every time they moved during sex? Should you really have the right to rob all those people of that part of their life just for yourself?
Even today, I promise you I would use time travel to my own advantage. If everyone wakes up one day and I'm rich, famous, and I own the Dallas Cowboys, I've invented a time machine.
The problem with a time machine, or really just fucking with time in general is how selfish it is. Let's say you'd like to correct a mistake you've made in the past, like when you threw up on yourself while trying to ask the girl you liked to prom. I mean, sure, it would be nice for you to get a second go around for that, but what about her? Maybe she had a great time with the person she went with that was better able to keep down their stomach contents. What about the guy who went with her? Shouldn't he be allowed a chance too? What about the girl you went with instead, the shy one who turned out to be into punching you while taking your virginity? What about all the women who have had a good laugh at your expense when you flinched every time they moved during sex? Should you really have the right to rob all those people of that part of their life just for yourself?
Let's start over again
DC Comics has recently decided to be ridiculous (ok, maybe not recently, but my specific examples are recent) by having an entire run of Batman comics entitled Batman R.I.P. which ended with Batman not really dying. Then, in DC's Final Crisis, a muddled, terrible story, Batman is apparently killed by Darkseid. I say apparently because DC has worked themselve a loophole that is far too dumb to go into. So now, DC is going to spend a year having a "Battle for the Cowl" in which a bunch of people will fight to be Batman before the real Batman comes back to take back his cowl. Yawn. I liked the idea better when it was called Knightfall. Now, I'm not just one to make fun without offering a suggestion (ok, I am, but not this time). DC needs an Ultimate line of comics. They need to steal Marvel's idea for an Ultimate line, which is basically a reboot of everything but without ruining the continuity that hardcore fans love. I'm not even a Marvel person, but I own a ton of Ultimates stuff because its easy to get in to (without 30 years of backstory to get caught up on).
Seriously, an Ultimate line for DC (obviously with a different name) would give DC a chance to do things that would make fanboys go nuts but without effecting their readership. They could make Batman something besides a rich white dude (probably change the white before the rich since poor people can rarely afford bat-shaped jets that fly out of holographic mountains). Make one of the major superheroes homosexual (I'd say the Flash, but that would lead to so many very terrible jokes). Kill off some people and leave them dead (Jimmy Olsen, I'm looking at you). Change who characters are (wouldn't a Supergirl who wasn't related to Superman make for more interesting stories than having cousins have to move to West Virginia to restart their species?). These are just some of a million things they could do.
Some will argue that DC has sort of done this with their All-Star lines, which are out of continuity and often change things. I'll admit, the idea of All-Star is good, the execution was piss poor. Basically, it became a forum for Frank Miller to show us all how crazy Batman is (Miller's Batman is a whole other post). Aside from my dislike of Miller's Batman, it was just a shitty comic. I also tried reading the All-Star Superman. That wasn't so much a reboot as it seemed like a bet between the writers as to just how much Superman continuity they could cram into a comic while leaving a page or two for story along the way (however, in their rush to make every Superman nerd orgasm in his pants while reading the story they forgot to include the story part). I know this is never going to happen, until I rule the world. I promise though, after I rule the world, this is the second thing I'm changing, right after the institution of Topless Tuesdays.
Seriously, an Ultimate line for DC (obviously with a different name) would give DC a chance to do things that would make fanboys go nuts but without effecting their readership. They could make Batman something besides a rich white dude (probably change the white before the rich since poor people can rarely afford bat-shaped jets that fly out of holographic mountains). Make one of the major superheroes homosexual (I'd say the Flash, but that would lead to so many very terrible jokes). Kill off some people and leave them dead (Jimmy Olsen, I'm looking at you). Change who characters are (wouldn't a Supergirl who wasn't related to Superman make for more interesting stories than having cousins have to move to West Virginia to restart their species?). These are just some of a million things they could do.
Some will argue that DC has sort of done this with their All-Star lines, which are out of continuity and often change things. I'll admit, the idea of All-Star is good, the execution was piss poor. Basically, it became a forum for Frank Miller to show us all how crazy Batman is (Miller's Batman is a whole other post). Aside from my dislike of Miller's Batman, it was just a shitty comic. I also tried reading the All-Star Superman. That wasn't so much a reboot as it seemed like a bet between the writers as to just how much Superman continuity they could cram into a comic while leaving a page or two for story along the way (however, in their rush to make every Superman nerd orgasm in his pants while reading the story they forgot to include the story part). I know this is never going to happen, until I rule the world. I promise though, after I rule the world, this is the second thing I'm changing, right after the institution of Topless Tuesdays.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Do english teachers dream of ambiguous stories?
I recently saw Blade Runner for the first time (shocking, I know, but I'm slow, sue me). After watching a movie I generally tend to read all about it online (because I'm a geek). Apparently, there is a disagreement between the people involved in making the movie whether Deckard (the main character) is human or a replicant (I'm not going to use this space to explain the difference, just to say, go see the movie). The director, Ridley Scott, thinks that Deckard is a replicant. Harrison Ford, who plays the character, says he's human. Phillip K. Dick, who wrote the story the movie was based on (Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep?) says he wrote Deckard as a replicant. Which side is right? Is there a right side. That made me wonder, 100 years from now if this film is being studied in an English class, will teachers just decide one way or another like they do now? That was always my least favorite part of English class was teachers telling me that one way to look at a work was better than another. While movies are different than books, I seriously doubt every writer meant to put as much meaning into their works as teachers seem to like to think. I have a feeling most writers just pounded shit out in the early morning hours before their deadlines just like everyone else. Some times, letters combine to make words, words combine to make sentences and those sentences mean exactly what they say, no more, no less.
A quick aside about Ridley Scott. My brother pointed out to me that Ridley Scott has released what feels like a Director's Cut of every movie he's ever made, most of which are far better than the cut seen in theaters. Does this mean that Scott is the world's biggest wuss when it comes to getting his way with studios? Hell, he even let the studio release a Director's Cut of Blade Runner that he wasn't really a part of. The man is a great director. One of these days we may even get to see a whole film of his in the theaters.
A quick aside about Ridley Scott. My brother pointed out to me that Ridley Scott has released what feels like a Director's Cut of every movie he's ever made, most of which are far better than the cut seen in theaters. Does this mean that Scott is the world's biggest wuss when it comes to getting his way with studios? Hell, he even let the studio release a Director's Cut of Blade Runner that he wasn't really a part of. The man is a great director. One of these days we may even get to see a whole film of his in the theaters.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Whose is cleaning up this mess?
At the end of The Dark Knight, did Commissioner Gordon really need to smash the Bat-Signal? Couldn't he have just asked the maintenance crew to take it down? I know it made for an awesome scene, but what poor minimum-wage-making guy has to clean up all that glass?
My questions about The Dark Knight aside, I have to say I'm slightly disappointed that the film got no Oscar attention beyond the obvious and self-serving nomination for Heath Ledger (the producers of the show are probably already salivating at the ratings that award could draw). I was upset when I first heard the news, but now I don't really care. I loved that movie. I still love that movie. Seeing TDK on IMAX was the best in theatre viewing experience I've ever had. What do I care what people in Hollywood think of the movie? Their opinion means nothing, really. TDK won all the award it needed to this year when people paid half a billion dollars to go see it. Plenty of great movies never got little gold statues because they happened to have something the academy doesn't think makes for a serious movie. That's fine, they can feel free to touch themselves while the watch the plodding, nothing new, Benjamin Button movie. Seriously, 13 nominations for Forest Gump II: No Mental Disability this Time?
Several other issues with the Oscar nominations: Did people already have Robert Downey Jr. down for an Oscar nod in that movie where he helps a helpless musician and then when that movie got pushed they were too lazy to think of someone else so they just crossed that movie out and wrote Tropic Thunder? I mean, that was a good role in a funny movie, but Oscar worthy? Really? Another thing, I hear that Kate Winslet, if she wins the Oscar, will be winning for both her roles this year, instead of just the one she's nominated for. Is that really fair? What about that year Jude Law released like 6 movies, shouldn't he have gotten an Oscar nod for all those preformances added up? I'm not one of those people who says that the Academy needs to pick movies that everyone saw, but can you really argue that all 5 of the nominations were better movies than Wall-E? Just because you created an animated category doesn't mean you can't honor that movie as one of the year's best. I'm just saying.
My questions about The Dark Knight aside, I have to say I'm slightly disappointed that the film got no Oscar attention beyond the obvious and self-serving nomination for Heath Ledger (the producers of the show are probably already salivating at the ratings that award could draw). I was upset when I first heard the news, but now I don't really care. I loved that movie. I still love that movie. Seeing TDK on IMAX was the best in theatre viewing experience I've ever had. What do I care what people in Hollywood think of the movie? Their opinion means nothing, really. TDK won all the award it needed to this year when people paid half a billion dollars to go see it. Plenty of great movies never got little gold statues because they happened to have something the academy doesn't think makes for a serious movie. That's fine, they can feel free to touch themselves while the watch the plodding, nothing new, Benjamin Button movie. Seriously, 13 nominations for Forest Gump II: No Mental Disability this Time?
Several other issues with the Oscar nominations: Did people already have Robert Downey Jr. down for an Oscar nod in that movie where he helps a helpless musician and then when that movie got pushed they were too lazy to think of someone else so they just crossed that movie out and wrote Tropic Thunder? I mean, that was a good role in a funny movie, but Oscar worthy? Really? Another thing, I hear that Kate Winslet, if she wins the Oscar, will be winning for both her roles this year, instead of just the one she's nominated for. Is that really fair? What about that year Jude Law released like 6 movies, shouldn't he have gotten an Oscar nod for all those preformances added up? I'm not one of those people who says that the Academy needs to pick movies that everyone saw, but can you really argue that all 5 of the nominations were better movies than Wall-E? Just because you created an animated category doesn't mean you can't honor that movie as one of the year's best. I'm just saying.
Doctor who?
That would have been my response as recently as a year ago had I been asked if I'd ever seen Doctor Who. Now I (like many Brits) am addicted to the show. Its not just me, I'm pretty sure if given the chance my fiancee would leave me for David Tennant. I'd have to say, I love DW for the same reasons I love most of the geeky things I love. Like Star Wars, LOTR, the DC Universe, DW has a universe all its own, a world to get lost in thought in. To be fair though, I also love that there is almost no chance I'll ever end up watching ever episode (it has been on air for 30 seasons). And as much as I love David Tennant (you never forget your first Doctor) I'm also excited to see the new guy take a crack at it. Doctor Who is the highest rated show on the BBC. This truly is the Age of the Geek.
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